Whoa!

Obviously, I've taken off some weight since last Wednesday's weigh-in. Apparently, however, only on the right side. My right arm seems to be significantly shorter than my left. I didn't know that was how this weightloss thing worked. Yes, that's my backyard in the photo. Let's try this experiment. Over the course of the next few weeks, where will you see a greater change--in the grass length-dandelion count or my weight loss? Somebody needs to resurface the deck, too.

I still haven't recovered from Patrick the PTP's going over on Wednesday. What has happened to my armpits? I don't remember an armpit exercise. Must have blacked out. I did get my bike out this morning and took a spin! All the way to the corner Panera to grade papers and fill up on cream cheese and coffee and back home just in time for lunch.

Just previewed the posting and that arm thing is unnerving. My right arm looks shorter and smaller than my left, and my left shoulder is drooping. I'm sure I was standing up straight. Must have had a stroke and someone forgot to tell me. I'm right handed, too. Must be a stroke.

Here's the deal so far.

I met with Patrick the PTP yesterday for an hour and a half. Nice guy, military background, helpful, encouraging, supportive--all the things I'm cautious about in a person. Sarcastic, cynical, doubtful, lazy, antagonistic--these are in my comfort zone. Don't get me wrong. I admire people with rosy outlooks. I'm just cautious around them.

We talked about me (my favorite topic) for 30 minutes or so. I didn't scare him off.  Might have been the fact that he perceived simultaneously my unspoken realization that military guys sometimes kill people and my complete lack of confidence in my own ability to achieve my inarticulate goals that tipped him off. At one point, he asked me if it was fair to describe my motivation level as high, but my confidence level as low. Quickly I asserted a hearty "Well, if you think so." After he entered my cardiologist's number in his speed dial, he said, "Are you ready?"

We worked out for about an hour. We--funny word to use here.  Worked out--another strange term.  About an hour--I'm doubtful not just of my confidence but my own veracity here.  Here's what I know: I got there at 6:00 and walked out the door under my own power at 7:30.  I know that I could barely use my arms to turn the steering wheel of my truck at 7:31.  I know that I felt like I was going to throw up. I know my ears were sore this afternoon. I know that I have to take a break from typing every few moments to rest my armpits. I know I need to go back.  I know it's expensive.

I think I remember telling Patrick the PTP that I'd call him on Friday. Maybe I can confuse him with my Civilian Responsibility Avoidance Program.

Today is the day!

Okay, I met my Personal Trainer Person this afternoon, and I can barely hold my hands up over the keyboard. Had my weigh-in. Wasn't as bad as I expected, but it wasn't less than 100 lbs., so there goes my first diet book idea down the drain--How to Lose 5 lbs. in Two Days without Lifting a Finger. I was looking forward to meeting Oprah. Only 364 days to go! I'm going to need help pulling my shirt over my head. Forget it, this shirt will work for tomorrow.

She Called!

Okay, maybe it's not that big a deal, but I made an appointment to talk to one of the PTPs at a place. Lana's her name. So, maybe the 365 days begin tomorrow. But, and this may be my saving grace, I hurt my back by sleeping on the sofa over the weekend. Yesterday, I felt better after taking Ibuprofen and sleeping through the night. I got up this morning feeling a lot better until I perched my foot on the bathroom sink to put on a sock. Let me just say that the pain is back.

PTP Lana asked me yesterday if I had any injury that would keep me from working out, and I said no, but today my back is killing me, and I'm on the magic Ibuprofen. So, I may get to put off day one until I feel better! Lana, I'm sure, figured out that I was going to be a project, so even before we met, she handed my case over to Patrick, a former military guy. Patrick, meet flabby pacifist.

In the meantime, I looked at one of those height/weight charts and saw that my recommended weight is--well, much more than 100 lbs. lighter than I predict my current weight to be. Even if I lose 100 in 365, I might not be finished.

Left My Number

Okay, I called them and left my number, I think. I know I called them, but I'm not positive I left my number. I think I might have left the area code and the exchange. Probably should call them back, but I don't want to seem too eager. Who knows what could happen then!

At this rate, it could take me 365 days to find a trainer. What if this person doesn't pan out? What do people do when they get telephone and Internet stood up by a PTP? Maybe I'll have a snack. That'll show 'em. It was a woman on the telephone answering machine. Don't know how I feel about that.

If I don't hear from her in the next 20 minutes, I'll take that as a sign from God that this whole plan was fool-hardy.

She said she was away from the phone "helping others meet their personal fitness goals." Don't know how I feel about that either.

Can you believe it?

It was a bill collector! She was very nice about the whole thing. Almost made it sound like it was her fault. This is the kind of thing that could derail my whole weight loss train. Now, I have to figure out what it's going to take to get the PTP to call me back. Probably spoke to the bill collector.

The Beginning

Two days ago, I hatched a plan to lose 100 pounds in 365 days. I even made a public declaration to my family--well, just to Shelby and Debbie. I haven't announced anything to the world just yet because I'm not really sure when the first day of the 365 is. Tomorrow, I guess, or do I only have 363 left? This is the kind of thinking that's derailed me in the past. Tomorrow is too Cimmerian, but only 363 left makes it sound like I'm wasting time. Frankly, I don't know how much I weigh. Perhaps, there's no need to lose 100 lbs. Maybe 95 is a better goal. 95 in 363! Hell, I lost 5 lbs. in two days. I should write a book--How to Lose 5 lbs. in 2 Days without Lifting a Finger! I'm making progress already.

Here's how bad off I am. Last night, my back started hurting because I was too lazy to get up off the couch and go to bed. The couch is what I spitefully refer to as a two-banger--one with only two cushions, so my butt sags into the crevass and strains my back. I had to take ibuprofen just to get up from the breakfast table this morning. I feel better now. Thank you for asking.

Actually, I'm making some progress. I know I need help, so I called somebody to see about hiring a trainer one-on-one. There's an unidentified voicemail message in my inbox right now. I'm nervous about listening to it. I'm thinking the 365 days begin after I hire a trainer, but I might be able to put off starting until Personal Trainer Person and I start working together. That means 365 might not start for a few days. Watch, PTP will be very energetic and want to talk and meet today. I'm getting nervous again.

Hey, I hope this isn't my last posting. I'm going to listen to my message. Watch it be a bill collector. Then, I'll decide if I have the strength of will to call back. You may never know.